Twenty Eight Thesis Don'ts:

1. Rearrange the chairs into a peace symbol.
2. Refer to yourself in the third person, like Julius Caesar did.
3. Mention your professor as "my helper."
4. Say that you'd like to thank a few people. Pull out the White Pages. Start reading.
5. Advertise it as "pot luck".
6. Talk in Klingonese.
7. Dress like your favorite character from "Star Trek."
8. Ask imaginary helpers to change transparencies; fly off the handle when they don't.
9. Wear a trenchcoat. And nothing else.
10. Dress in a Wild West style.
11. Go dressed in scuba gear. Use the oxygen tank.
12. Preface with the story of your life.
13. Wear a swimsuit from the opposite sex: man - wear a bikini, woman - wear trunks.
14. Have bodyguards on your sides as you talk. The bigger, the better. Have a questioner thrown out "as an example."
15. Have someone wheel in a big cake with you in it. Jump out and begin.
16. Perform your defense as a Greek tragedy, and kill yourself offstage when you're done.
17. Half way through, break down. Go to your professor, curl up on his or her lap and call him or her "Mommy". Suck your thumb.
18. Suddenly develop Turret's Syndrome.
19. Suddenly develop the China Syndrome.
20. "This defense has been sponsored by the fine people at (your favorite corporation)..."
21. Secede from the U.S. Give yourself political asylum.
22. Talk in Canadianese - add "eh" after every sentence.
23. When a professor asks you a question, argue with your imaginary twin over the final answer.
24. Videotape it ahead of time, and get someone set it up to show. Come in the back and sit there. When your tape is done, ask for questions.
25. Have every person pick a CB handle. Enforce their usage. Talk in CB lingo. End every statement with "good buddy." End every question with "over."
26. Provide party favors. Noisy ones.
27. Frequently ask if anyone has to go to the potty.
28. Mention that you have to hurry because TV show xxx is on in 15 minutes.