Real Computer People
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O.
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with "programming systems", but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real programmers donít do structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained, wear neckties, and carefully line pencils up on otherwise clear desks. Real programmers think structured programming is a communist plot.
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching the age of 12.
Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, crystallography weenies, and people who get excited about finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Real programmers don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real programmers don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Real programmers don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, Ada, or any of those other commie pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak memories.
Real Programmers don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
Real programmers don't follow specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read the listings or the object deck.
Real programmers don't write application programs, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
Real programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke, palate-scorching Szechwan food, and anything that comes out of the vending machine. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche.
Real programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
Real programmers programs never work right the first time. But if you throw them on the machine they can be patched into working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions.
Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 AM, it's because they were up all night.
Real programmers don't use schedules. Schedules are for managers. Real programmers like to keep their manager in suspense.
Real programmers donít like managers. Managers are a necessary evil, useful for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.
Real programmers know what users need better than users do.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at all levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never afraid to break your face.
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
Real Users know your home telephone number.
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.
Real Users never use Help.